Part 1: I may now be on the sexual predator watch list…

So I decided yesterday morning that I should get out and try to do something instead of just sitting around my house all day doing chores. I first decided to go play basketball at a park, but when I got there the wind was blowing at about 1500 miles per hour. So then, for some unexplained reason and for the first time in my entire life, I decided to go hiking.

I remembered that there was a pretty cool hiking trail at one of the parks. Since it was mid-day on a Tuesday, I was clearly the only person there. I took off into the woods. A little while and 1.4 miles later I re-emerged from the woods at the park. At this point, I feel like I need to let you in on some details I’ve omitted. First off, I almost always play basketball in sleeveless t-shirts, and on this particular day I decided to wear my 4th of July American Flag shirt with the sleeves cut off. Classy, I know. Also, the entrance to the walking trail is at the back of the park area which means that you have to walk through a playground to get to it. And I don’t mean near the playground, you have to walk through it, otherwise you’d have to climb through the trees. So I reemerge into the park, having hiked about a mile and a half, to find the park full of little kids. Like, lines at the swingset full. Apparently one of the local private school daycare type places decided to take a fieldtrip to the Singing Winds park. So I had to walk back through the playground in my best child molester costume while the teachers gave me weird looks. Awesome start to the day.

Part 2: A Night to Remember

Yesterday afternoon, I vaguely remembered hearing that the GRC had an open mic night on Tuesday. So I showed up to hear what Kerrville’s best talent had to offer. Much to my surprise, it was not open mic night. Instead, it was karaoke night. And the Karaoke DJ, Jessica, it was her birthday. And they had decided the theme of the birthday party was a toga party. So yeah, pretty much everything you could ever want in one place. The night started with this guy singing “Superstitious” And this guy was flat out awesome. I find out later on that he’s actually in a band that performs there fairly often.

The weird thing about this particular karaoke night was the lack of karaoke. Someone would get up there and sing some really awkward song, and then after they were done the DJ would throw on some Lady Gaga or Flo-Rida and then it would break into a dance party for about 20 minutes. By “dance party” I really just mean that girls would start grinding on each other. Speaking of the girls, I think they imported a few attractive ladies in togas that the Romans would probably not approve of just for the evening.

Some of the more awesome performances of the night: (I was typing these on the notes on my phone so that I would be sure to remember)

“Kryptonite” 3 Doors Down This was awesome because the karaoke area had this big pole in the middle (like a support pole, not a stripper pole) and this guy decided to lean on it the entire song and strike this “I’m singing, but I’m still too cool to care about you” pose.

“Mammals” The Bloodhound Gang - what made this performance particularly impressive was that he freestyled a few of the lyrics. Let me rephrase that, he replaced all of the words he didn’t know with series’ of non-rhyming explitives.

“La Macarena” Los Del Rio - yeah, really. Someone got up there and “sang” this. This song is ridiculously long by the way, in case you have forgotten.

“Like a Virgin” Madonna - this was easily the most vexing song of the night. This huge drunk guy that had been yelling at random people all night decided that this was the proper way to honor the birthday girl. He first grabbed the mic and did like a ten minute intro for himself. The intro included toasts to the birthday girl, toasts to the bartender (who really was working hard and doing a quality job), toasts to his friends outside, and a toast to the GRC. Then he grabbed a chair and put it in the middle of the dance floor/karaoke area/ amateur stripper zone and proceeded to sing “Like a Virgin.” But where some people would either try to sound like Madonna to be funny, or sing it in a normal voice to be weird this guy decided to go for something else entirely. He sort of “talked” the lyrics, but with a really over the top hick accent. So over the top that at times it sort of slid into a pseudo-Australian sounding kind of thing. The group I met and ended up hanging out with agreed across the board that it was the worst thing we’ve ever seen at karaoke.

“Where have all the Cowboys Gone?” (Charley corrected me that this song is sung by Paula Cole)- I don’t really think I need to say anything to explain why this was noteworthy.

“Poker Face” Lady Gaga - yep… someone sang it. I didn’t even think it was possible.

“Criminal” Fiona Apple - The girl singing this was attempting to do a fairly seductive dance while singing this. Problem… she was probably about 55-60 and sounded like a hardcore smoker. Sort of like Hazel from the Magic Bullet commercials trying to sing this song. (If you don’t know, youtube it, it’s totally worth it.) This was easily the most entertaining performance of the night.

Sadly, I decided to leave once it started raining so I didn’t get to perform the promised Sinatra. However, I’m sure I will be back there next week. If you are ever in Kerrville on a Tuesday, Karaoke night at the Guadalupe River Club is a can’t miss. I put the funnier things on here for you readers, but it really was a good time.

Overall ‘Ville Entertainment Level: 5/5