Prelude to the evening:

We had some family over on Friday night and had a solid Margarita night at the house (though sadly it appears that green Tarantula is also illegal in the ‘Ville.) Saturday I sat around watching football all day, and for some reason decided that I had to see the Aggies play. I texted a few people to see which locales had DirectTV, so armed with this knowledge I began my quest seeking two things: a few good drinks, and Aggie football. Seems simple enough right?

Stop 1: The Guadalupe River Club (aka GRC)

I was told that this place had DirectTV, and it’s a pretty decent bar (keep in mind this is by comparison to the rest of the ‘Ville.) Well after I walk in and ask the bartender, I was informed that they did not have DirectTV. they had Dish Network, but that the Wing King and Chili’s had Direct TV. Well, it being around dinner time on a Saturday, there was no way I was going to Chili’s. Kerrville has over 20,000 people and on a Saturday night 12,000 of them are out eating. (because, if you recall, the other 8k are at or are parking at HEB) Now when someone asks you “where do you want to eat?” in Kerrville, what they really mean is “do you want to go to Chili’s or Mamacita’s?” (although i discovered that Kerrville has a new Fuddruckers, but Kerrville people don’t trust new things so nobody was there.) I didn’t want to fight 6,000 people at Chili’s so I went to…

Stop 2: The Wing King

So after a phone call and using google maps I found the Wing King. Let me give you a little bit of history on the building the Wing King resides in. Long long ago there was a place called Stars. Basically Stars is like a Sonic for poor people. But at this time we didn’t have a Sonic, so really it was like the Sonic for Kerrville. Anyway, the Stars menu consisted solely (based on my memory) of onion rings, soft serve, and soda. Well once they opened the much anticipated Sonic, Stars quickly went under. They then reopened the building as a drive-in mexican food restaurant. So basically like if a Taco Cabana and a Sonic got it on, and then dropped the baby on it’s head a few times, you’d have this place. Well it didn’t last long either. So what did they replace it with? Here in this country town in south-central Texas? You’ve probably already guessed it, a drive in fish and chips restaurant. Naturally. Somehow, beyond belief, Sally May’s Fish and Chips didn’t make it, and the building now houses The Wing King.

I arrive at the Wing King and ask if he will put one of the TV’s on the A&M game. The guy agrees, and then all hell breaks loose. I had previously anticipated this problem, so instead of telling him we were on FCS, I had already texted Ryne to figure out what channel number we were on. Well this guy (heretofore known as Dave) and me had a conversation that went something like this.

• Dave - “Do you know what channel y’all are on?”
• Me - “yeah, 617” (Dave flips to 617, which has a FCS logo on it, but nothing is happening, about 5 seconds go by)
• D- “you sure?”
• me-“yeah, fcs, that’s it.”
• d-“what is fcs?”
• me-“fox college sports”
• d-“oh that’s another channel”
• me-“no I’m pretty sure it’s this one”
• d-“well let me check” (he flips it to FSSW, on which Kansas is playing.)
• d - “who are y’all playing?”
• me - “kansas state”
• d- “yeah, the Jayhawks, this is the channel.”
• me- “No I’m pretty sure that they’re playing Colorado, we’re on 617.”
• d- “well let’s see.”
• me -“yeah I’m pretty sure the team in gold and black is Colorado, not Texas A&M.”
• d - “alright let’s check 617 again”
• me - “thank you”

So we eventually found the channel. The whole time the audio in the place is on the game on ESPN, but I didn’t dare try to get that changed over. Skip ahead about three hours and 167 Kansas State points, I go up to close my tab and leave. Dave asks me how many beers I had, I reply that I thought he was keeping count, since that’s the whole point of a tab. He tells me that he wasn’t writing anything down and lost count. We settle on 4. So I was out a whole 6 dollars. Now ridiculously angry at the crap fest Texas A&M put on TV i left for…

Stop #3 - Back to the GRC

I basically just sat around drinking for a while at the GRC and talking mess with the other people at the bar about the OSU-Missouri game. Then the night took a glorious turn. That Ben Stein economy/insurance/whatever commercial came on, and this lady says “man, I’m sad that guy died.” Well I’m a couple drinks into the evening, but I was fairly certain that he was still alive. So I looked it up on my phone, and then told her that he was alive. She doesn’t believe me and calls over the bartender (that she of course knows) who concurs that he is dead. So after a friendly wager of free drinks, I show them on IMDB that Ben Stein is still a living person.

Not to be outdone, this random Dallas Cowboys fan was talking NFL mess all night for some reason. And he’s apparently the only Cowboys fan left that still loves Tony Romo. Even claiming at one point that Romo is as good as Peyton Manning. Yeah, what? So at the end of all of this, he bets me 5 dollars that Tony Romo has more passing yards this season than PEYTON MANNING. I look it up on nfl.com, and leave 5 dollars richer. I’ve had enough of the GRC it’s on to…

Stop #4 - The Southway Pub

Kerrville passed a no smoking ordinance like College Station. But luckily for the Southway Pub, it is located (literally) about 15 feet outside the southern city limit for Kerrville. The city limit sign is in the north parking lot of this place, it’s that close. Well the pub is PACKED with smokers who are jamming out to a classic rock cover band. This band though was no normal cover band, their best covers were of Queen songs. I mean, they sounded legit. And their other covers (AC/DC, ZZTop, etc) all sounded JUST LIKE Queen singing those songs. Think about that. It was like hearing Queen live, doing a tribute to classic rock hits. Totally awesome.

There was also a fight that I got involved in because they almost ran over this girl that was standing nearby, which resulted in my nearly getting punched in the head (ended as a grazing ear strike). I guess that’s what I get for trying to be nice. Once I could no longer see more than a few feet in front of me, and I had run out of interesting people to talk to, I moved on to…

Stop #5 - The Ol Waterin’ Hole

The hole is probably my #1 Kerrville bar. It’s cheap, it’s about 1/4 mile from my house, and it’s usually full of an eclectic mix of people. After talking to a few kids that go to Schreiner (a small university here in town) I met the most awesome person I’ve ever met.

This guy was standing near my by the bar, and as people started to leave, he said something incomprehensible. Trying to figure out what the heck he said, I asked “what was that?” To which he responds by telling me that he was “just speaking in Elvish.” Oh yeah people, the language from the Lord of the Rings. I asked him why he speaks Elvish, and he responds be informing me that he is a linguist who hopes to get a job at the U.N. so that he doesn’t have to pay taxes. That’s right loyal readers, we had hit the jackpot. Well I inform him that, while speaking Elvish is impressive, I don’t think Rivendell is recognized by the U.N. He then let’s me know that he speaks 14 other, and more useful, languages as well. Well I think we all know what happened next, I had to know all 14. So he runs off a list that included several normal languages, but also included (and I SWEAR TO GOD this really happened) Aramaic (unlikely), Elvish (but we already knew that), Old English (really unlikely), and… you know it, because why wouldn’t you know this language if you wanted to work at the U.N…. Klingon. Before you ask, no, I didn’t ask for proof. Why? Well I don’t speak Klingon, (or Elvish) so he could ACTUALLY know those languages and I wouldn’t know the difference. Though the nerd in me could probably pick out if he was making up Klingon, I at least know what that is supposed to sound like. I hope I run into this guy again, because he was awesome. We then parted ways since it was closing time, and I returned home.

So there it is people, my first night on the ‘Ville since I’ve moved back.

Overall Single Day ‘Ville Entertainment Rating: 4.5/5