Intro to TalesFromTheVille
I graduated college on August 14th. Armed with my new degree and four years of working for Texas A&M as a student, I was ready to set out into the world. I figured a few weeks, maybe a month and a half tops, and I’d have some sort of job living in Bryan/College Station. However, here I am, two months after graduation, and I just moved back in with my parents. In order to prevent insanity, I have decided to record the more interesting (and humorous) events that occur during my stay in Kerrville.
Originally my goal was to create a rival blog to Charley’s and let our friends vote over who’s family was crazier, but after one of my family members watched the catholic channel for an entire two hours yesterday and decreed that she “should be the pope” I realized the Tauer family had no shot. After all, I have two sisters, the younger of which is 3 and is running a movie theatre of sorts in our house. Taylors Movie House has the following movies currently playing:
Aladdin: 10am (her room), 12pm, 4pm
Land Before Time MCXI: 9am, 1pm
The Lion King: 1pm (in her room) and 8pm
The Challenge:
In lieu of wasting the Tauer family in a “crazy” off, I will instead be taking on a greater challenge. I will be attempting to make the city/town/village of Kerrville seem interesting. I know it sucks big time, but maybe by viewing everything I see through the eyes of someone who’s never been here I will stumble upon something interesting. This brings me to…
Episode 1: The Kerrville HEB
There are some places that are super markets, some that are bars, some that are retirement homes, and others where people hang out and talk about their business and catch up. Then there is the Kerrville HEB. It is all of them, and it is none of them. The mystery of the HEB is that it is ALWAYS busy. And not always in that “Sundays after church and weekday evenings” always, but at any given time approximately 20% of the population of Kerr County is inside, and another 20% are trying to park outside.
We made the mistake of going in today around 4:30 which is right as the work crowd starts to arrive, but not yet late enough that old people that came at 6am and have been lost inside all day to have left. We also made the other mistake of going in without a plan. Me and mom had a few items we had to have, but decided to “decide when we got in” what we were going to make for dinner the remainder of the week. So instead of the ideal “up and down the aisles” pattern, our route through the store was not unlike a game of chutes and ladders. After dodging people that you don’t want to see, diving through Talladega-esque buggy crashes (because hell, when in HEB the more full cart always wins,) narrowly avoiding confrontations with hippies, old people who used to be hippies, and old people that want to kill hippies you usually forget what you needed from the cake and Gatorade aisle. Now up until this point you’re thinking that this sounds like every other HEB, but that’s where your wrong. Kerrville is approximately 98% old people. And not old like a 9 year old kid’s definition of old. We’re talking like the residents of Kerrville could probably piece together from their collective memory a mosaic of what life was like during the industrial revolution. So while most of the perils of our HEB are not unlike others, you have to be extremely careful of the “conversation with 90 year old who knew you as a baby and needs every updates on your life since then.” Luckily I was able to dodge any such confrontations today (I think by wearing the red polo a lot of people thought I worked there so they didn’t look in my face.)
25 hours later we finally made it back outside, and this is where the real party starts. Close your eyes, well okay you’re reading so you can’t, but imagine a parking lot that is equal parts Reed Arena after a game, Luby’s after church, and Chuck-E-Cheese around dinner time. Yes, it’s that bad. You try to keep your eyes directly ahead of your car and on the mirrors for fear that if your eyes stray you might witness a child flying head over heels from being tagged by a Crown Victoria that could have been travelling anywhere between 4 and 55. We were lucky enough to escape with our car intact and without witnessing a dead kid… this time.
Final Count: HEB
- Kerrville Popularity: 5/5
- Potential for death: 3.5/5
- Odds of running into people you don’t want to see 2/5
- Level of desire to go back 1/5
Overall ‘Ville Entertainment Level - 2.5/5
Stay tuned… rumors already starting about potential weekend “fun”
