It started with a simple tweet on a Thursday Night. 

AubreyBloom: “My girlfriend is trying to convince me that the Super Mario Brothers movie is better than Snakes on a Plane. #NotPossible”

Innocent enough right? I mean there’s no way that any sane person can say that the Super Mario Brothers movie is better than the cinematic masterpiece that is Snakes on a Plane. But little did I know, quietly lurking in the depths of the internet, there was a silent guardian. A holy protector of all things Super Mario Brothers Movie. A Goomba Illimunati if you will, waiting to strike. At exactly 8:52 central time, he struck. Like lightning from a clear blue sky, or an earthquake in central Oklahoma, it came without warning.

SMBMovie: “@AubreyBloom Well, of course its better. It actually has a point.”

Boom. Just like that, my life would be forever changed. Why? Well, if you’re reading this, then you already have the unfortunate knowledge of how my brain works. My first thought was, “holy crap, somebody has a constant twitter script running looking for mentions of the Super Mario Brother’s Movie. Who would do such a thing?” But c’mon, we’ve all seen scripts set up for searching twitter. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve been mentioned by HoustonFood for mentioning where I’m eating… but no. This was different. He actually responded, with an actual argument (albeit a completely misguided one.) Just think about the ramifications of that alone.

First off, the henceforth called “TSMBM” was released in 1993, and twitter wasn’t even invented until 2006. What as he doing before Twitter? Lurking in Hastings and Blockbuster’s in the hopes that someone would walk by… umm… whatever aisle you’d put TSMBM in (horror? action? the John Leguizamo aisle?) and he’d be able to recommend that movie?

Then, when Twitter came around, this guy made a conscious decision to create an account with the SOLE PURPOSE of spreading the good news about a (giving him the benefit of the doubt here) 13 year old movie. AND his twitter name is “SMB Staff.” Did he work on this movie? Is this is life defining career achievement? Some of his other tweets would tend to indicate as much.

“They really did good work. It’s a shame the Goombas weren’t more prominent. They were just sort of goofy extras.”

“Yoshi was made into a full cable-operated puppet of a baby T. rex. Definitely more realistic, but still very cute.”

“Both Mortal Kombat and Super Mario Bros. are generally considered to be two of the BEST video game movies.”

I mean what in GODS NAME is this person talking about. Those three tweets alone are enough to write a book about. First they’re all “at tweets”, meaning someone  on this planet has watched TSMBM and given a critique on how the Goombas weren’t adequately utilized.

And, just as a point, TSMBM isn’t even close to as good as Mortal Kombat. Think about that. It’s not anywhere close to a movie who’s climax includes a dude doing the splits and punching a four armed monster in the nuts. 

But then there’s the website. Clicking on the twitter handle reveals that in the far corners of the internet exists a http://www.smbmovie.com/. WARNING: DO NOT CLICK THAT. YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO RECOVER. 

That website has a copyright date of 2007, meaning I guess he was bulding content for a few years before deciding to send this thing live. But here are just a few of the highlights.:

Prop Breakdowns

There is an extended and comprehensive look at a number of the props used in the movie and the actual ability of those devices in the Super Mario World universe.

Cast Interviews

How? I don’t know Why? Well at this point why not? I’m actually sort of impressed.

National Screenings

Yep, you can go see TSMBM screened at a theater! That is if you’re lucky enough to live in New York, Chicago or Los Angeles. Apparently this guy gets around…

The trip to Otakon

This is a post encouraging other people who attend anime and other type of conventions to dress in their best mario costumes. 

Here’s where it gets weird. (Right?) The guy got the costumes by buying them from a website he found that was doing a fan film followup to the original TSMBM. (What?) Yeah. However, he was somewhat disappointed because the toolbelt was “too rich for my blood” so he kind of had to make due. Like ya do… I’ll just leave this picture here.

 I’m all for nerds here, don’t get me wrong. I considered doing a blog about all of the famous people who appear in Star Trek TNG, but never in my life have I felt the need to dress up like a character from the Star Trek Movies (and those movies are actually pretty good by comparison.)

But good lord. My life is never going to be the same. I’ll forever know that this guy and more like him are out there lurking and waiting for me to slip up on social media. They’ll swoop in and attack like a hawk to make sure that my opinions are well founded and based on facts about the movie. After all, according this guy TSMBM was nominated an Academy Award for special effects, in his words it was considered “groundbreaking.”